The History of Texas:
Texas’ State Board of Education has approved new history textbooks, capping months of outcry over lessons that some academics say exaggerate the influence of Moses in American democracy and negatively portray Muslims.
The Texas board of Education was concerned that Kansas was in danger of becoming the Stupidest State in the nation, whilst also being scouted as the next location for future Mad Max movies—so the Texas BOE was determined to eradicate these existential threats. Therefore it also decided to update the history of Texas as well as the history of the world…
Texas has always been the top State in the Union because of its extraordinary history. This state is built upon a foundation of God, Oil and God’s love of Oil.
The new State slogan shall be: “Texas, we are bigger than Kansas, We Live Free Like Mad Max or Die Stupid.”
In Texas, God’s chosen state, one must acknowledge a supreme being before being able to hold public office.
The recorded History of Texas begins with the arrival of the first Spanish conquistadors in the region now known as Texas in 1519, who found the region populated by numerous Native American tribes. Their ancestors had been there for thousands of years. During the period from 1519 to 1848, all or parts of Texas were claimed by five countries: France, Spain, Mexico, the Republic of Texas, the United States of America—as well as the Confederate States of America in 1861–65.
The Texian forces, mainly volunteers from the North fought and won the Texas Revolution in 1835–36. In 1845, Texas joined the United States, becoming the 28th state. Texas declared its secession from the United States in 1861 to join the Confederate States of America, so that blacks should have freedoms as defined by God and Texans.
Even though slavery only had very tenuous connections to the Civil War, Texas felt compelled to fight against the North to prevent Texas from the dire threat of, of, of, eh… ackamarackus. After the Civil War Texans joyfully released their slaves, knowing that they would no longer be subject the vile working conditions that Northerners where thirsting to impose on all, as a result of their attachment to the Industrial Revolution. The slaves had of course always enjoyed free board, lodging and clothing in return for working in the great outdoors, traipsing through fields picking cotton and pressing wild flowers in their free time.
After the war ended, Texas was subject to Reconstruction, a process that the patriots of Texas welcomed with their Texas-sized hospitality. There is no record of the purported late 19th century laws creating second-class status for blacks in a Jim Crow system of segregation and disenfranchising them in 1901 through passage of a poll tax. Texas is unaware of any such injustice and that there was never any need for the so-called federal civil rights legislation in the mid-1960s that Northerners got so excited about. But one should bear in mind that voting is a chore, securing first status citizenship would be an expense that if incurred would simply guarantee the continued poverty of the black population.
In 1901 a petroleum discovery at Spindletop Hill, near Beaumont, was developed as the most productive oil well the world had ever seen. The wave of oil speculation and discovery that followed came to be known as the “Oil Boom,” permanently transforming and enriching the economy of Texas.
Texans understandably worshiped their oil and created exclusive health spars where all could luxuriate in ‘four hand’ oil massages, wallow in oil baths, drinking oil infused cocktails that together promoted suppler healthier skin. But this practice had to be banned as too many participants were getting accidentally arrested for trespass. However remnants of this lost gilded age of skin care can still be found at the beaches of the Gulf of Mexico where sun tan lotion is redundant. Texan Oil Barons worked diligently with the automobile magnet and Hitler fan Henry Ford to dismantle alternative forms of transport. Tram lanes were removed in cities, train lines underfunded because every American deserved a Model T, powered by Texan energy. Trains were dangerous and and… er…so dangerous that Texas crafted this brilliant law:
When two trains meet each other at a railroad crossing, each shall come to a full stop, and neither shall proceed until the other has gone.
Fortunately this law turned out to be the kiss of death for public transportation in Texas, which prides itself on the self-reliance of its people.
Dallas 1963, all Texans were appalled at JFK’s assassination. Lyndon Johnson and his Dallas oil baron allies were horrified and insisted on wearing black for five years. Moments after hearingabout the shooting, the wife of the Methodist bishop told Tom J. Simmons, an editor at The Dallas Morning News, “You might have known it would be Dallas.” Even though the owner of the Dallas Cowboys and super rich oil baron Clint Murchison had everything to gain with his chum Lyndon Johnson from JFK’s death they could barely keep their tears from flooding all the way to the bank.
These pillars of Dallas society may have known Lee Oswald, minding him on behalf of the CIA, but he was no Texan, and only a lone wolf non Texan loser could have possibly planned the whole affair.
Texas is founded upon the notion that all Texans must be able to pull themselves up by their own bootstraps. Therefore:
It is illegal to milk another person’s cow.
Texas has contributed so much to the nation—without funding from its citizens the CIA could never have pulled off the 1953 Coup in Iran and given America her beautiful God-driven devotion to and dependence on oil. Since Texas alone could not keep up with the insatiable demand for oil, these same players where happy to help build an inspired Middle Eastern policy that allows the US army to stay in perpetual training, thus turning the modest Texian army in to the world’s dominant military force.
During the Second World War, Texas, for patriotic reasons, was able to reintroduce slavery in the form of almost 80,000 German prisoners of War. In spite of good faith efforts, Texas failed to stamp out the imported influence of the Nazi fascist philosophy, a philosophy so ineffective that it can never be recognized anywhere in Texas. All in all, the Second World War was great for the Texas economy. Army, Air Force, oil bases proliferated and Houston boomed. God fearing and always humble Texans have always wanted to be the biggest patriotic freedom fighters that there ever was. Thus they cannot control their excitement at bellowing out their national anthem:
Texas, our Texas! All hail the mighty State!
Texas, our Texas! So wonderful so great!
Boldest and grandest, Withstanding ev’ry test;
O Empire wide and glorious, You stand supremely blest.
Texas, O Texas! Your freeborn single star,
Sends out its radiance to nations near and far.
Emblem of freedom! It sets our hearts aglow,
Knowing that with Oil and Oil we can defeat our greatest foe.
As part of the new proud history, new laws are being implemented to make Texas even more Texan—this anthem must be sung five times a day and after each college Football game—whilst praying one must be facing Texas, having purified hands, feet and other appendages in Oil. Those in Texas should orientate themselves so that they know what State they are in.
Texas is so tough on crime than that they recently came up with a law to eradicate crime:
Criminals are required to give their victims 24 hours’ notice, either orally or in writing, and to explain the nature of the crime to be committed.
Knowledge in the wrong hands (Texan hands) can be very destabilizing and so Texas has come up with a law to alleviate such fears.
The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned in Texas because it contains a formula for making beer at home.
Texas is proud to be pro life:
Texas is proud of its Texas-sized wealth resulting from its massive natural resources that can be stripped away by anyone with a large enough political donation and thus with minimal regulations. To facilitate this Texas can offer the fifth most desperate potential work force in the nation, who will be less likely to gripe about anything.
Plus this workforce could use the exercise
Texas devotion to business and freedoms is second to none.
In Texas we are pleased that no state has a more regressive tax policy. We love wealthy people and they will have to pay less than one quarter of the taxes compared to the poorest 20%. We provide limited regulation and a desperately undemanding work force.
Texas bans fracking bans.
Texas Banned Tesla Motors (They do not use oil, you see).
Texas Bans signs banning guns, so gun owners are not intimidated. Texas is determined to make gun owners feel safe, and will do all that we can do to protect our men folk from being abused by hostile grocery bag wielding vegetarian cowardly pacifists. Gun owners are free to stand their ground when confronted with such dire threats.
Texas bans books, from Harry Potter to Dante’s Inferno and most novels by Stephen King.
Texas College bans gay athletes from dating or supporting same-sex marriage.
Texas governor bans Planned Parenthood from cancer screening program for poor women.
Texas has always believed in fiscal Discipline:
Texan Senator Ted Cruz voted against Sandy relief, but torrential rains are different because they come the sky, directly from God and that is why God-fearing Texans deserve federal aid after the Texas floods.
Texas has always been proud of its Educational system:
Texas is proud in being the leader of bringing a new curriculum to its Education system, a curriculum that reflects the special relationship that the US has with God, second only to the special relationship that Texas has with God. Texas will be replacing disrespectful texts with texts that God willing will help us all find God’s enchantment, and eternal peace. There can be no victory without Him, no progress, no peace. This curriculum will help all Texans build their relationship with God in the easy times, and thus Texans will find God beside them in the hard times.
Texas is proud to note that 40% of its Stupidparty voters are quite satisfied that Obama will not be invading the State in order to get it back in the Union, or is it to make Texas join the European Union—or whatever his nefarious plan might be. We love our country so much that we realize that we Texans are really too good for it.
Texas is proud of its schools for teaching that the planet is 6,000 years old and that Jesus’s favorite show was Meet the Flintstones.
Texas is proud to deny the fact that more guns make you less safe.
Texas is proud that the new educational standards will teach that there is evidence that suggests Moses influenced the writing of the Constitution and that the roots of Democracy can be found in the Old Testament. The US has been chosen to carry out God’s will.
Texas can also boast about having the biggest politicians in the whole wide world. With much thanks to A Texican for his insight:
- Lt. Gov. David Dewhurst recently met with representatives of the Texas Nationalist Movement, a “grassroots” organization dedicated to the secession of Texas from the USA.
- Congressional Representative Louis Gohmert indicated that “certain” members of Congress had ties with the Muslim Brotherhood.
- Texas Congressman Steve Stockman wants to impeach President Obama if he implements any gun violence measures through executive order.
- The Texas Game and Wildlife Commission voted to allow hunters to use “sound suppressors” on their hunting rifles.
- Texas Congressman Steve Stockman claims the Branch Davidian Tragedy was an ATF conspiracy aimed at building support for banning assault weapons.
- Governor Perry recently indicated that accepting Medicaid expansion would be like “putting six million people on board the Titanic.”
- Congressional Representative Louis Gohmert recently informed those on a conference call that limiting the size of gun magazines to 10 rounds was somehow analogous to allowing same sex marriage, polygamy, and bestiality.
- Kyle Kacal, a member of the Texas House of Representatives, reportedly gave us this timeless piece of wisdom when commenting on the Connecticut tragedy. “I’ve heard of people being killed playing ping-pong—ping-pongs are more dangerous than guns.” [ I can see his next campaign slogan now: Ping-Pongs don’t kill people, etc.]
- Congressional Representative Louis Gohmert also warned us about “terror babies”—a plot to send pregnant women to the US to have their babies as US citizen, then take them away and train them as terrorist, and then have them return to their “native country” to commit acts of terror.
And it is not just politicians that stand tall in this sad day and age, when some people suggest we should waste our time with the draining and rather expensive exercise of “critical thinking.”
- Texas mega-church pastor says Obama’s re-election paves the way for the antichrist.
- Lubbock County Judge Tom Head (an elected official) warned that Obama’s re-election would lead to civil unrest that would be used to bring UN forces into the United States. He asked for an increase in local property taxes to help prepare for these dire circumstances.
- The Texas Nationalist Movement members believe that the American Civil War did not answer the question of the legality of secession. As their website indicates, that would be like saying a robbery was legal just because it was successful.
- In 2012, estimates indicate that 23 percent of Texans believed Barack Obama was a Muslim.
- Over 100,000 Texans signed the White House petition calling for secession from the United States.
Governor of Texas Greg Abbott, a lawyer, has shown true leadership and a greater understanding of the constitution than anyone else—as he welcomed the historic Supreme Court decision on Gay marriage:
“The Supreme Court has abandoned its role as an impartial judicial arbiter and has become an unelected nine-member legislature. Five Justices on the Supreme Court have imposed on the entire country their personal views on an issue that the Constitution and the Court’s previous decisions reserve to the people of the States.”
Texas is bigger than Kansas; Texas has more people than Kansas, more oil than Kansas, more beaches than Kansas a far bigger carbon footprint than Kansas. Texas has the best Stupidparty City in the whole wide world.
Dallas at #62, the cradle of US energy policy, proof that a man with a gun in Dallas can do more to change the world than some silly foreign Serb shooting the Archduke Franz Ferdinand of Austriaback in 1914. We are Texas, and anything Kansas can do, we can do more of it.
Texas “Texas, we are bigger than Kansas, We Live Free Like Mad Max or Die Stupid”
To be continued…Kansas fires back – it’s not how big you are, it’s how you use it and here we shall investigate whether Sam Brownback and God are indeed working in perfect harmony.
Update: Home Schooled Children in Grave danger:
The parents of nine Texas children are suing the state over the fact that they were asked to educate their children in subjects like math and spelling and not just church hymns and theology. Their argument: Why waste our time on education, when the second coming of Jesus Christ is upon us. Personally I think the parents should go to jail.
Update: Safety Warning to Parents
Before having some fun at the expense of Texas, it seems that the powers that be must be concerned at my contention that perhaps Texas is not the most Stupidparty state in the union, and have recently amped up the ante in trying to become the biggest pricks in the land. As a result of this development, I am now issuing a specific health and safety advisory—because your safety in my number one concern. Out-of-state parents should no longer consider sending their kids to any Texas public universities—this is why:
Continuing from a blog I have just written on gun culture…
…But talking of Europe, let’s talk about Texas. What is the connection? Well it’s quite simple really, there is none—other than the fact that they are intellectual polar opposites. Texas has been desperate to prove that they are the stupidest state in the country. This is a battle of the titans as Texas tries to duke it out with the likes of Mississippi or Kansas. The mathematical results of this Olympian competition have been thoroughly analyzed. But Texas must be feeling a bit miffed, because now they have outdone themselves, as the The New York Times reveals:
In Texas, there’s so little concern for college students’ physical safety that concealed firearms will be permitted in classrooms at public universities like the state flagship here. This wasn’t the doing or desire of administrators and faculty at the University of Texas — most of whom, it seems, are horrified — but of conservative Texas lawmakers on a tireless mission to loosen gun restrictions whenever, however and wherever they can. To be or not to be armed in Shakespeare class? Your choice! Guns in dorms? Just the ticket for a good night’s sleep!
As an aside I would point out that any out of state parent should not even consider sending their kids to any public university in Texas, and should even explore transferring their kids as soon as possible. I say out of state, because I recognize that in state, parents may not have financial options. But bear in mind that it will not be long before any one educated in Texas (who makes it out alive) will likely find some suspicion from employers round the globe, once it becomes generally recognized that the curriculum is being tampered with by extraordinarily stupid people: Texas Stupidparty politicians.
Two people were shot, according to the university. One person was killed and the second injured, authorities said. The condition of the injured person is not yet known. Their identities were not disclosed by authorities. The campus went into lockdown as a result of the incident. “All staff are asked to remain in offices—students to remain in classrooms until further notice,” Eva Pickens, a university spokeswoman, said in a statement.