Long time ago, far from Bethlehem, so the Bible says, Rosemary’s boy child Chruzt was born in 1970, on this winter solstice day. The longest night— always amplified in northern climes—with the sun at its weakest arc. Ted Cruz, Rosemary’s baby—cursedly equipped with a silkily spawned bifurcated tongue—was born on December 22, in Calgary, Canada. Born into a coven, headed by a Cuban father and an American mother. His dad, Pastor Rafael Cruz, having had little intellectual choice but to give his life to a higher power. Rafael’s grenade-throwing days in the name of Castro had led to multiple wives, alcohol-fueled misery, an ever-downward spiral of divorce, and eventual child abandonment. Being reborn, under so many clouds, does not turn him into a self-aware Christian—more of an apostle from hell. Rafael perpetuates his fingernails on blackboard-odious essence, doubtless till his final breath.
Rafael begat Ted, whose shrunken black obsidian eyes are drawn to the dark side. Ted proclaims, “My father has been my hero my whole life”—and from that day is doomed to vomiting an endless foam of bile, pulsating from his death-throes-rabid-unborn-again brain. But Ted’s dad continues to darken every room with trademark deadly drivel:
“The Obama Administration wants to take our rights to keep and bear arms away from us. They are trying to take our God, and our gun. And if they do that, they can impose a dictatorship upon us.”
Yes, we are trying to exorcise you of your God, your false idol, but never to any avail. There is nothing left to isolate from the rot. Rafael Cruz to his audience of Onions:
Cruz: “So Barack Obama said, if the winds shift, I’ll side with the Muslims.“
Audience member: “He is Muslim!”
Cruz: “McCain couldn’t say that, because it wasn’t politically correct. It’s time we stop being politically correct!”
Actual quote from The Audacity of Hope: Thoughts on Reclaiming the American Dream.
“Of course, not all my conversations in immigrant communities follow this easy pattern. In the wake of 9/11, my meetings with Arab and Pakistani Americans, for example, have a more urgent quality, for the stories of detentions and FBI questioning and hard stares from neighbors have shaken their sense of security and belonging. They have been reminded that the history of immigration in this country has a dark underbelly; they need specific assurances that their citizenship really means something, that America has learned the right lessons from the Japanese internments during World War II, and that I will stand with them should the political winds shift in an ugly direction.”
See how a serpent distorts reality, turns hope and love into fear and hate? Ted Cruz’s dad shows yet again that however many times you get reborn, you are more than likely resurrected as the very same lying, homophobic, racist hypocritical snake in the grass that you were in all your previous lives. How the hell does he, a pastor, believe his life, in any shape or form, would not bring shame and horror upon Jesus Christ? That must be his intent, what he was reborn to do. But perhaps that Old Testament God has gotten his mojo back and really does enjoy retribution.
Justifiable patricide? The story of this chosen reborn-again charlatan’s spawn oddly resonates with other, less-lofty chosen ones. Consider the striking resemblance to Mike Huckabee’s spawn or look at the spawn of Jerry Falwell and Billy Graham (Jerry Jr. and Franklin Graham, the twin towers of hate). Not to mention Foster Friess’s four pillars of “emotionally distant” offspring. Out of this satanic pool of puss, sometime ago, not far from Mexico, in his Groundhog Day life, Rafael begat a tragically destined daughter (who understandably could never forgive her parents) and during another such day, a serpent son. Looking at one’s parents—especially Dad—if you do not embrace the evil, you would want to kill it or yourself; hence, the pattern of misery. But Ted Jr. needs no such soul-searching.
Stand up now if anyone can find a shred of decency
What does Ted Cruz really want? Who is his real God?
He was ostensibly raised to be a (or for any megalomaniac, the) servant of Jesus. We can let Cruz himself provide the answer, having had such a wholesome, God-worshipping upbringing:
“Well my aspiration is to, uh, oh I don’t know, be in a teen tit film like that guy who played Horatio. You know he was in Malibu Bikini Beach Shop,” he says. The reference appears to be to a 1986 movie, The Malibu Bikini Shop, which came out two years before the video was filmed. “Well, other than that,” Cruz continued, “take over the world, world domination, you know, rule everything. Rich, powerful, that sort of stuff.”
Ted Cruz—The Anti-Chruzt
Cruz’s college roommate Craig Mazin, who wrote the screenplays for The Hangover and the Scary Movie sequels, says of him:
I would rather have anybody else be the president of the United States. Anyone. I would rather pick somebody from the phone book. Ted Cruz will become the thing you need him to be so that he wins an election. No principles, no moral center, no values. Just ambition… Ted has wanted to be president ever since his father told him that is what Jesus wanted to happen.
Josh Marshall, of Talking Points Memo, was one year ahead of Cruz at Princeton. Additionally, Marshall’s wife went to Harvard Law School with Ted.
My friend [redacted] went to Harvard Law with Ted. [He] says that Ted shocked people when during the first week, he announced that he was creating a study group and only people with high GPAs from the Big Three Ivies could apply for admission. In short, Ted managed to come off as a pompous asshole at Harvard Law.
Every person Marshall spoke to at Princeton evidently had pretty much the same recollection:
Everybody I talked to—men and women, cool kids and nerds, conservative and liberal—started the conversation pretty much the same. “Ted? Oh yeah, immense a*#hole.” Sometimes, “total raging a#%hole.” Sometimes other variations on the theme. But you get the idea. Very common reaction. But that wasn’t all. Before retelling this or that anecdote, there was one other thing that everybody said, “A really, really smart dude.”
The Daily Beast got similar feedback:
“It was my distinct impression that Ted had nothing to learn from anyone else,” said Erik Leitch, who lived in Butler College with Cruz. Leitch said he remembers Cruz as someone who wanted to argue over anything or nothing, just for the exercise of arguing. “The only point of Ted talking to you was to convince you of the rightness of his views.” In addition to Mazin and Leitch, several fellow classmates who asked that their names not be used described the young Cruz with words like “abrasive,” “intense,” “strident,” “crank,” and “arrogant.” Four independently offered the word “creepy,” with some pointing to Cruz’s habit of donning a paisley bathrobe and walking to the opposite end of their dorm’s hallway where the female students lived. “I would end up fielding the [girls’] complaints: ‘Could you please keep your roommate out of our hallway?’” Mazin says.
Ted Cruz is likely worse than Trump, especially since he is a destructive, disciplined, cunning true believer—the opposite of our transparent Trump. I would like to allow Robert Reich two minutes to explain why Cruz is so much more dangerous. But bear in mind, Robert Reich does not include the really good stuff—the stuff that will clearly indicate where Ted Cruz lies on the religious spectrum, where he will find himself in the afterlife.
America’s fake Christians decided to bond themselves, tie their souls, to a man who could not be possibly further apart from Jesus Christ. Self-flagellation might have a role somewhere in the spiritual world. But keep it to yourself; it is not acceptable to make others involuntarily suffer as a result. Ted Cruz is, simply put, the best example, the dark emperor, of any Antichrist that can be found in halls of power.
By the time the cock crows thrice, Jesus will be betrayed into oblivion
So why did Cruz run for president? Well, according to his dad (lying again—since this issue had long been ordained—but why not rope more subservient suckers into the Cruz coven?), God intervened, using the most logical conduit. According to his father, God intervened by sending a message to his son’s wife:
My son Ted and his family spent six months in prayer seeking God’s will for this decision. But the day the final green light came on, the whole family was together. It was a Sunday. We… all gathered at the pastor’s office [at the First Baptist Church in Houston]. We were on our knees for two hours seeking God’s will. At the end of that time, a word came through his wife, Heidi. And the word came, just saying, “Seek God’s face, not God’s hand.” And I’ll tell you, it was as if there was a cloud of the Holy Spirit filling that place. Some of us were weeping, and Ted just looked up and said, “Lord, here am I, use me. I surrender to you, whatever you want.” And he felt that was a green light to move forward.
Senator Rafael Edward “Ted” Cruz announced his 2016 bid for the White House at Liberty University, a large evangelical institution founded by the late Jerry Falwell Sr., which regularly hosts many soulless political leaders on its campus. What is wrong with this? A couple of things, actually. If you are happy to be baptized by the Falwells, what does that say about you? What does that say about your attitudes on race, women, abortion, to people who live in New York, and the working class? In Cruz’s case it confirms the bond, the marriage, the merging of the disparate coven—Rosemary’s baby gathers its siblings. Falwell Sr. has boasted that he lived in the segregated past and believed that
the true Negro does not want integration… he realizes his potential is far better among his own race.
Falwell supported South African apartheid and opposed the Brown v. Board of Education ruling (evidently, God would not have tolerated blacks mingling with whites on school buses). On God and the working class:
Labor unions should study and read the Bible instead of asking for more money. When people get right with God, they are better workers.
Evidently, 9/11 happened because God was angry at all people who reject Farwell’s brand of hate.
The abortionists have got to bear some burden for this because God will not be mocked. And when we destroy 40 million little innocent babies, we make God mad. I really believe that the pagans, and the abortionists, and the feminists, and the gays and the lesbians who are actively trying to make that an alternative lifestyle, the ACLU, People for the American Way, all of them who have tried to secularize America, I point the finger in their face and say, “You helped this happen.”
There is so much wrong with that. But the point that hits me hardest, and only because there is not sufficient societal punch back, was that abortion argument. I point the finger back and unequivocally state that no—it is you who are guilty of this massive number of abortions. And yes, you are guilty of refusing to use your
God-given brain. This is a sin, to hate God’s creation—in hating the LGBT community and alternative life styles. “Do you see?”
How low can he go?
Cruz has no problem hanging out with all the crazies in and around the Falwells and Robertsons—but the thing about crazy is that the pit is bottomless. If you have no compass but power, you can never navigate your way from the bottomless black-hole pit that beckons the worst of us, sucking out the last vestiges of that rare Northern Light. But may the force be with us—plummet in after it we must.
Now, remember the best single tool for reversing income-discrepancy trends would be to reform the inheritance tax. But Ted Cruz steps around this fact by saying that we do not really need an inheritance tax, because under this tax it’s the less well-off that suffer:
The people who pay the death tax, who I talk to all the time, are farmers out in west Texas who are growing cotton, who are struggling hard. The people who pay the estate tax are the small-business owners that have a small factory that when the patriarch passes on, the next generation sells the factory and fires the workers.
Jesus only lost his temper once. Just saying.
Out of the cauldron of hell, the covens shall unite
Now, watch Cruz kneeling at the foot of another of Satan’s spawn, Kevin Swanson, who makes occultist Hitler look rational. Ted Cruz pretends to look the other way. To Jake Tapper:
I don’t know what this gentleman has said or hasn’t said… . I have been fighting for religious liberty for everyone.
Ted, when you talk you lie. You do know what this person has said and not said in the past and yet were just about to speak at his conference when Tapper questioned you. You were just about to join him there, where he would say the most objectionable things, which would be extremely memorable. You would have to be as oblivious as a Palin, Bachman, Kathy McMorris, Ben Carson, or a Trump— to pull off that line of defense. Cruz is none of those. Eventually, he admitted to USA Today “it was a mistake” to have attended.
Here Swanson is equating birth control with the pits of hell. I guess 98 percent of women are hell bound.
Next, we see Kevin Swanson explicitly endorsing the idea of imposing the death penalty for homosexuality; he is looking forward to eliminating homosexuals. Note the same backdrop—here he is screaming for the death penalty for gays.
But Cruz does not hear those screams:
“I don’t know what this gentleman has said or hasn’t said.”
He will not have heard the screams of dreamers being rounded up, of Mexican judges being marginalized, women being abused and the Jews in the gas chamber. Oh, stop being hyperbolic with that gas chamber stuff. Well, eat this as Cruz teams up with Mike Bickle:
Mike Bickle, founder of International House of Prayer (IHOP), believes God sent Hitler to hunt Jews, that a new era of concentration camps awaits Jews before they find Jesus.
The Lord says, “I’m going to give all 20 million of them the chance to respond to the fishermen. And I give them grace.” And he says, “And if they don’t respond to grace, I’m going to raise up the hunters.” And the most famous hunter in recent history is a man named Adolf Hitler.
Evidently, Jesus will soon kill the head of the United Nations. Bickle believes that gay marriage is “rooted in the depths of hell,” that homosexuality “opens the door to the demonic realm,” and that Oprah Winfrey is a forerunner of the antichrist. He linked a January 2016 East Coast blizzard to a Supreme Court decision on abortion rights in North Dakota:
We are calling for national prayers of repentance from February 3 to March 4. On January 22, the Jonas storm, which also means Jonah, hit Washington, D.C. That same day the Supreme Court denied North Dakota the right to ban abortion and help women with child care. We urge everyone to pray every day for the Supreme Court and America to repent.
Disturbing? Well, do not worry. Ted Cruz’s wife explains all and oh so nicely. His wife, Heidi, who had been campaigning for her husband full time over several months in 2016, advised a South Carolina radio personality that Cruz is running to “show this country the face of the God that we serve.” But we can all see that face, dear; it is not a pretty picture.
Rosemary’s baby always had a plan
Most scarily, Ted Cruz is not mad, and—as Rolling Stone reports—Ted Cruz does not make gaffes:
Ted Cruz is far from crazy, which is the essential Ted Cruz problem. Crazy you can deal with, even forgive a little, often ignore. Ben Carson is a bowl of Froot Loops floating in a sad lethal pond of gasoline. Donald Trump went warp speed into the Trumpiverse decades ago. Both men have conducted their campaigns and recent years on perpetual tangents. But Ted Cruz knows exactly what he’s doing. He doesn’t even hide it particularly well. Not only is his intelligence one of his favorite selling points, his book undermines any notion that he misspeaks. He is gaffe proof because the gaffes are not arrived at by error. Ted Cruz does awful things by intelligent design.
But Ted Cruz has no time for truth. His pitch for his book: “Washington D.C. desperately needs leaders who aren’t afraid to tell the truth”
Elsewhere, I have discussed some questionable strategies Cruz employed to win the 2016 Iowa primary.
These dirty tricks continued in New Hampshire as he worked to undermine Ben Carson (hardly a heavy lift, in any sane universe) by leaking a false rumor that Carson was about to pull out—thus, eroding enthusiasm for Carson. Evidently, Cruz tried to apologize in a closet, since his pollsters said he should. But pyramid-loving Carson was having none of it. The dirty tricks continued unabated as in anti-Trump robocalls a pro-Cruz super PAC, reached out to 180,000 households, in attacking Trump’s support for removing the Confederate flag from the capitol—yes, Ted feels their pain.
The Charleston Post and Courier created an anonymous site they called the “Whisper Campaign,” where South Carolinians could submit tips about questionable mailers or advertisements they’d seen. The Cruz campaign was behind most of the submissions that the Post and Courier was able to link to a specific campaign. Since there were six candidates at the time, Ted Cruz’s deceit and insidiousness were clearly disproportionate. Outdoing the Trump campaign in dishonesty—now, that’s quite a feat.
Just in case that penny has not dropped, the fact that Ted is loathed by his Senate colleagues should be warning enough. Think about this. You must know that there is a large pool of decency-impaired, power-ensnared senators, who regularly stoop to extraordinary Mariana Trench depths. Just think about the Senate—and all the times it is hot for Netanyahu or rootin’ for Putin, embracing collusion and treason, salivating over clamps on food stamps, promoting voter suppression without question, and obliviating the sainthood of Planned Parenthood. The Senate, where only the wealthy can be healthy, race is shoved into a dark place, and indiscriminately shooting blanks via weapons of assault—are safe by default.
But evidently, there is one place that even these weasels cannot go—still some form of single-cell life at that trench. But such life is threatened to become still born as it enters the mouth of Cruz’s black hole that sits in the center of his breast. These senators look at that coven and recoil in horror. Ted Cruz’s quest for the GOP presidential nomination has been hampered, from the start, by the reality that the vast majority of influential DC Republicans simply can’t stand the guy. The more you know him, the quicker you must dart to avoid him.
Why doesn’t Ted Cruz worry about, or try to work around, any of this? What can be gained by soul-searching? Cruz fully understands what I’ve been saying, what the Trump campaign also much later figured out—that the GOP base is not capable of critical thinking and has zero interest in facts. That the more bigoted, arrogant, and disgusting you are, the more they will love you. As Trump said, “I could stand in the middle of Fifth Avenue and shoot somebody and I wouldn’t lose voters.”
All their ideas have failed—they lose every argument—and they fear people consider them stupid (go figure). Any candidate that fills this emptiness with toxic goo will get the base’s basest love, wrapped in hate and the desecrated flag. Hence the ever-devolving level of politicians they are attracted to. Hence Pence, Trump, Cruz.
But I digress, for there is more—so much more.
To talk is to lie
Ted Cruz: if I am talking, I am lying. We know that—but how much bull can Ted Cruz pack into a couple of sentences? I believe Cruz may have just beaten the world record in that category.
But for those who supposedly work in the name of that Lord on high, they must be judged accordingly. Such expectations are simple and obvious. So if the glove fits, we must acquit—if not, we must crucify. So come on down, Jesus, it’s time to meet your guy. Will you love him?
Cruz and Jesus join forces on foreign policy
And here he is, our very own Stupidparty, alternate reality, Jesus. This chest-thumping let’s make my tribe great again Jesus loves the idea of turning his sheep into wolves, ploughs into swords. Cruz the messenger, evidently speaking in tongues whilst simultaneously dampening his underpants a wee bit, would like to explain his Jesus Christ-endorsed strategy for tackling a certain foe—ISIS:
“We will utterly destroy ISIS. We will carpet-bomb them into oblivion. I don’t know if sand can glow in the dark, but we’re going to find out.”
Tears of pride, watching his boy Ted, stream down alternate reality Jesus’s cheeks. U.S. military experts are somewhat less enthused.As reported by the New York Times, a former commandant of West Point commented:
“While he clearly thinks the imagery is cute, nothing has made it more obvious that Ted Cruz has absolutely no idea what he’s talking about. He certainly hasn’t consulted with any actual military men on the subject, nor is he familiar with any basic military history of the country he claims to love so dearly.”
Major General Robert Scales (retired), Vietnam veteran and former commandant of West Point, laughed when queried on the issue:
“That’s just another one of those phrases that people with no military experience throw around.” The Vice Chairman of the Joint Chiefs of Staff, General Paul Selva, disgustedly noted that this “not the way that we apply force in combat. It isn’t now, nor will it ever be.”
Just a little reminder to the shoot-first USA, USA, USA trolls that tolerate Cruz and his crew:
“We’re the United States of America, and we have a set of guiding principles and those affect the way we as professional soldiers, airmen, sailors, Marines, conduct ourselves on the battlefield,” Army Lt. Gen. Sean MacFarland, commander of the coalition against ISIS in Syria and Iraq,” said on February 1, 2016. Top of Form Bottom of Form “So indiscriminate bombing, where we don’t care if we’re killing innocents or combatants, is just inconsistent with our values. And it’s what the Russians have been accused of doing in parts of northwest Syria. Right now we have the moral high ground, and I think that’s where we need to stay.”
Now, perhaps Ted Cruz, God’s infallible messenger, knows something about Syria the rest of us don’t know, than anyone else, or how else can he rationalize the slaughter of hundreds of thousands of innocent civilians? So let’s take a peek at what he knows.
Sorry, God. I mean Cruz. I hate to deflate an imaginary partnership only ever tenable amongst the most feeble-minded of fake Christians. But in reality there are hundreds of armed rebel factions—maybe a thousand—representing an incredible array of agendas. Yet our messenger Cruz wants us to hate indiscriminately, carpet-bomb them all. Remember, Cruz does not make gaffes; he knows exactly what I just clarified. He is inflaming hatred of Americans and dividing Americans—putting American and non-American lives in danger, all for personal gain. A bit like when, in 2013, he maneuvered the U.S. government into a sixteen-day shutdown, causing countless employees to be sent home and risking default on the national debt. A default would have been catastrophic— increasing the cost of servicing the U.S. debt for generations. All to prove to idiots that he dislikes the government more than anybody else. Grandstanding on epic proportions—for personal gain, for Lucifer’s ascent into the White House.
The final solution—Rosemary’s baby demands human sacrifice
On September 10, 2014, Cruz headed to the Omni Shoreham Hotel in Washington as a keynote speaker in a Defense of Middle Eastern Christians summit—that was specifically intended to build support for the Christians of Iraq. In the audience were a range of Middle Eastern Christians: Orthodox, Catholic, Coptic, Syriac, Lebanese, Assyrian, and others facing genocide at the hand of ISIS/ISIL/IS in Syria and Iraq, violence in Egypt, and discrimination elsewhere in the Middle East. He managed to piss just about everyone off. How?
In this case, he chose the beginning of his speech to tell Middle Eastern—mainly Arab—Christians that they “have no greater ally than the Jewish state”; praising Israel but also lecturing these Arabs that they needed to publicly stand with Israel; he went on to criticize those who hate the Jewish state. He was booed off the stage.
Please allow us (myself and my colleague Brian Frydenborg) to explain how ignorant, offensive, and deadly this advice was and why a discussion such as was begun by Cruz was inappropriate.
For one thing, the conference was titled the In Defense of Christians summit. Notice how the words “Israel,” “Jews,” and “Speak about Anything You Want” are absent. Perhaps Senator Cruz got an invitation to a different conference and went to the wrong location. Alas, no. He was supposed to speak and was briefed on the audience.
This speech had everything to do with the 2016 Republican primary audience, and very little to do with the actual Middle Eastern Christians with whom he shared the room, many of whom were part of communities facing genocide from just about the worst terrorist organization in history. In fact, he gave advice to these very people under threat of death that would be sure to endanger their lives, but which sounded really good to this rabid Stupidparty disciple base of his that he needed to pamper, in order to secure the nomination in the 2016 Republican primaries.
The fact is that in Middle Eastern countries other than Lebanon, Christians are a very tiny minority. For Palestinian Christians, Jewish Israeli authorities don’t look at their religion and say, “Ah ha! You’re a Christian like Ted Cruz— no roadblocks, curfews, detentions, land confiscations, beatings, or arrests for you.” Palestinian Christians suffer just as much from a brutal, unforgiving, and humiliating decades-long military occupation as do their Muslim brothers and sisters. In Egypt, Coptic Christians (10–15 percent of the population) have been facing attacks from Islamists in a relatively new wave of violence there, with even churches and weddings not off limits. The situation was even worse at the time in both Iraq and Syria, where ISIS and other groups targeted all non-Muslims, and even many Muslims, in genocidal ethnic cleansing.
Before he was booed off the stage, Ted Cruz spent more time lecturing the room’s Middle Eastern Christians on Jews and Israel than speaking of their own plight. This made absolutely no sense, unless, again, you realize he was not actually speaking to the people in the room, but to his rabid American fake Christian base.
Cruz forgets that repressed, phobic fake Christians are the deviants
After condemning the Colorado Springs Planned Parenthood shootings of November 2015, Ted—pushing back on the suggestion it was an anti-abortionist act (obviously)—said it had been reported that perhaps the shooter was a
“transgendered leftist activist”
This untruthful statement reveals so much. First, Cruz desperately tried to latch onto a false rumor (spread by fake right-wing pseudo-journalists) that the shooter, John Dear—the bearded, aging, white, pro-life, misogynistic gun nut—would somehow prefer to be running around in high heels, pressing wildflowers. That this automatically turned an obvious caricature of a Stupidparty disciple into a phantom leftist activist just beggars belief.
But Ted Chruzt prays every day for guidance, and we imagine his alternate Jesus, his imaginary friend, has responded in his head:
“Unto you I say, go forth and lie—lie to all the idiots that I have created. For I have made them thy Sheep—they will respondeth well to thee, my chosen one.”
The sermon on the mount
So Ted Chruzt goes forth to the land of the caves and sayeth unto the great gatherings of troglodytes that the Democrats have issued an ominous threat to the Catholic Church.
His (imaginary) crowd respondeth:
Oh, Father Ted Jesus Chruzt, you must shut down the government, for we do not need hospitals, not while you are there for us.
Ted Chruzt then sayeth that there was a “strong bipartisan majority” in the House that voted to repeal Obamacare (two Democrats joined the Republicans). His crowd respondeth:
Oh, Father Ted Jesus Chruzt, we don’t need no healthcare—it is just another brick in the wall.
Ted Chruzt then sayeth, “It is a felony with ten years’ jail term to sell the body parts of unborn children for profit. That’s what these videos show Planned Parenthood doing. Absolutely, we shouldn’t be spending $500 million of taxpayer money to fund an ongoing criminal enterprise.” (The two anti-abortion activists who made these doctored and illegal videos—Stupidparty flakes—have been indicted in California on privacy charges and conspiracy. But more to the point, multistate investigations into this facet of Planned Parenthood have turned up no wrongdoing charges.)
Ted Jesus Chruzt carries on—and now sayeth, “There are 110,000 agents at the IRS. We need to put a padlock on that building and take every one of those 110,000 agents and put them on our southern border.” (The IRS doesn’t have 110,000 employees, let alone agents. They have 14,000.
The alternate-reality Jesus, which only Rosemary’s baby and his apostles could reimagine, then said unto his chosen one, “You did well. You have become me, for worrying about the truth is just so time-consuming. You have the proudest record of all my fallen angels on PolitiFact (Stupidparty lies are 1,000 percent more voluminous than those of the other party) for not telling the truth. Out of the sixty comments fact-checked, an astonishing 67 percent of them have been rated as ‘Mostly False’—all the way down to ‘Pants on Fire.’ And out of the entire sixty comments, only one has been rated ‘True.’ It was so inspired of you to use
the truth to bash handicapped people when you truthfully said that government regulations are so bad that they actually demand wheelchair-accessible toilet seats. Son, you make me so proud.” And the crowd respondeth:
Oh, Father Ted Jesus Chruzt, we don’t need no handicapped. They should rise up by their own prayer—or failing that, their own shoelaces, or boot straps (whatever comes to hand), but we just do not need no more moochers, for they are just another brick in the wall.
We don’t know how to love him. Does she?
Ted, if only you had played your cards right, if only you had not been so transparently repulsive, the Jesus Christ Superstar narrative of your life could have been so different. Heidi Cruz, campaign fatigue having set in, finally cracked and burst into song.
Take it away, Tim Rice—since we cannot hear Andrew Lloyd Webber.
I don’t know how to love him
What to do, how to move him
I’ve been changed, yes really changed
In these past few days, when I’ve seen myself
I seem like someone else
I don’t know how to take this
I don’t see why he moves me
He’s a demon. He’s just a demon
And I’ve had so many men before
In very many ways
He’s just one more
Should I bring him down